They Never Met
An occasional series

Guy Richie
A London Face

Hi. I’m a fan of your last straightner.


I’m successfully married.


Well, must rush, got some numbers to look up.

THE FACE SINGS ‘Like a Virgin’



Project: BBC7 Open Script Call July 2007

Sketch: Adventure Girl



A speed dating sketch I like. Still a work in progress...



A table in a bar. Julian sits alone. Enter Lara. She’s wearing a cropped t-shirt. She is fast and confident. She places a large rucksack next to her chair.


MAN: (V.O.) Remember you only have ten minutes and then you move on to your next date.

LARA: I’m Lara. Just back from the Cairngorms. Do you abseil?

Julian stands and they shake hands. They both wince slightly on shaking.


LARA: Had a great time. Managed to bag seven Monroes and take in some white-water rafting. You look like you need some fresh air.

JULIAN: Fresh air?

LARA: I’m doing an ‘iron woman’ event next week.

JULIAN: What’s that?

LARA: It’s a two mile swim across an ice cold loch, fifty miles on a bike, and finishes off with a three mile run uphill in greased dungarees. Do you do any dangerous sports?

JULIAN: Crucifixion.

LARA: Do you need much equipment?

JULIAN: Just prayer.

LARA: Do you belong to a club?

JULIAN: No it’s just me and a couple of mates.

LARA: When’s your next event?

JULIAN: Easter.

LARA: I suppose you must be quite fit.

JULIAN: I do a lot of static exercises.

LARA: Well when I’m not outside I’m at the gym working on my abs and calves at the moment. What sort of training do you do for…er…your event?

JULIAN: Self-sacrifice. Moral conviction, honesty, and some skipping.

LARA: Me too! The skipping. It just gets my adrenalin going. Babs, she’s my best friend, she has a different outfit for every exercise. I tend to stick to trackies and a t-shirt. Can’t stand being leered at when I’m working out.

Lara smoothes her t-shirt and adjusts her hair.

JULIAN: Do you believe in love?

LARA: I’m too busy for that. I need a mate. I would have a dog but for the vet bills. Do you fancy coming out for a day of windsurfing? Or we could…

Lara reaches into her rucksack

LARA (cont.):
…go to the climbing wall. It used to be a Methodist Chapel but now it’s an urban adventure safari centre.’ They have so many challenges for the sports player and all under one roof.

Lara produces a length of rope.

JULIAN: How about some quiet reflection?

LARA: O’ Well they do have a chill out room in the old vestry.

JULIAN: I don’t think this conversation is really going anywhere. We seem to be on completely different tracks.

LARA: You’re right. Well I’m off to the climbing wall and maybe a few hundred crunchies before bed.

Lara starts putting the rope back in her rucksack. She stands up and offers her hand. Julian stands and they hold hands. They gradually increase the pressure of the squeeze. Neither willing to give in.

JULIAN: Bye. Nice to meet you.

LARA: I could tie you up and call your sexuality into question.


- END -

Now all I need is a Dark Angel and a scone...